WHERE IS LOVE?

WHERE IS LOVE?

COPYRIGHT J.CARLSON 2011

There was a long path that led a half mile to where I kept my truck parked. As I started down the path, I saw a figure coming toward me -- not an animal. A person.. No one ever came here to visit so I was alarmed and suspicious. Then as the figure got closer I saw it was a woman and her hair blew in the wind. I knew that hair! My heart raced. Doubt and hope coursed through me.

　

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

　

　

I was shooting baskets in the driveway with my brother, when my aunt and uncle drove up. There was someone in the backseat. I figured it was Scott or Stacey, their grandkids, but it wasn’t. It was someone I’d never seen before. I groaned under my breath. I didn’t like strange visitors much. Like my dad, I preferred to be with family and friends. The girl was my age, more or less. She was pretty, but she looked shy and kept her head down as she looked at us with the big eyes of a frightened animal. I hated that timid insecurity in girls.

My uncle greeted us loudly. “Hey guys! Mind if I join you? We can play a game of horse.”

“Just a minute, Milt!” my aunt said. “I want to introduce Khloe to the boys!”

 “Sure, sure. Sorry Marie.”

Aunt Marie introduced us to Khloe. “She is your cousin . . . well, practically your cousin,” she laughed. “We were trying to figure it out in the car, but I’m terrible at genealogy! Khloe is staying with us for awhile.”

Khloe said nothing. Just looked up at us and nodded her head. My brother Paul reached out to shake, but she didn’t take his hand. I could see Paul was embarrassed that he’d offered. Another point against her, I thought. Then aunt Marie and Khloe went into the house while we and uncle Milt played ball. Dad came and joined us and it was fun. We only played two short games before when Mom called us in.

“y’all want a sandwich of something to eat?”

****************

Khloe got out of the car with her aunt. There were two boys playing basketball. Aunt Marie introduced her to them. When the younger one smiled at her, Khloe felt strange. Her knees went weak and wobbly. He must have been the most beautiful boy she’d ever seen. That smile was like a blast of light and she averted her eyes because she was afraid she might blush and stare like a drooling idiot. She was usually pretty secure and self-assured. She needed to get herself under control before she could relax. Standing next to a boy like that would be enough for any girl to feel slightly inferior. Her awkwardness was bound to show, and she told herself to straighten up. “Don’t be such an imbecile!” The mixed up feelings of embarrassment and anger she directed at herself along with the admiration for this boy’s beauty was confusing and frustrating. She felt tears begin to well up in her eyes. She wasn’t going to cry darn it! She tried to think of something else.

Khloe kept her head down and hoped they wouldn’t be standing in the drive for very long. She wanted to get past the brothers. She didn’t even realize the older brother, Paul, had held out his hand to shake until it was too late. She whispered “nice to meet you,” but no one seemed to hear and the feeling of failure was complete.

****************

“I don’t want anything to eat, Mom.” I said.

“You sure? It’ll be quite awhile before we start up the barbeque.”

“I’ll eat an apple off the tree if I get hungry.”

Paul, Uncle and Dad all sat down. So Mom got up from her chair and started getting things out of the fridge. “John,” she said. “Since you’re not going to sit down with us, how about showing Khloe around?”

 That was a dumb idea. Dammit, I thought. “Mom, there isn’t anything to show her,” I said petulantly.

“Don’t use that tone with me, please,” she continued. “And yes there are plenty of things outside to show her.” I glanced at Khloe. Her aspect had changed slightly. She was looking at me directly and her eyes were strange. They were beautiful, actually, but too intense. It was like she was looking into me. It was unnerving and I looked away.

“Okay,” I said. “C’mon Khloe.”



* * * * *

“You want to see the barn?” I asked.

“whatever you say,” she answered.

She followed me out toward the barn and the cornfield. We walked in silence. Neither of us had anything to say. It was awkward. I slid open the big barn door and we stood there looking into the darkened building. “Do you have any animals?” she asked.

“Not in here. We’ve got a chicken coup out back though, and we’ve got George.”

“Who is George?”

“He’s a pig.” She stared at me quizzically. “I mean a real pig, not a human.”



She giggled softly. “That’s good. Can we go look?”

I shrugged and led her around the barn and over to the chicken pen. Again, we were silent. I watched her watch the chickens. Then there was a sort of snorting squeal as George came running over. He had become attached to me as a piglet and still sought out my company when I was around. I patted him.



“He’s huge!” she said. “Are you raising him for . . .” she hesitated. “meat?”

“Naw. I mean, yeah, that was the original intention, but he’s like a pet now. We’re just keeping him for nothing.” Then George moved around me and got real close to Khloe. He smelled her pants and shoes and snorted.



“Oh, he’s friendly,” she laughed, and patted his head.

We walked around and looked at stuff. It was lame. But within a few minutes we were both laughing and carrying on a conversation -- even if it was basically about nothing. She had somehow morphed into a real girl and I thought maybe she was okay after all.



“So, how are we related anyhow?” I asked.

“Your grandmother and my grandmother are sister.”

“Really? Well, that figures. Grandma came from a huge family. I guess there must be a lot of us.”



“There are,” she said. “I’ve met a lot of cousins and great uncles and aunts. I don’t like most of them.”

“why?”

“I dunno,” she continued. “They’re all kind of stupid and prejudiced. There must have been some inbreeding in our past.” She wasn’t trying to be funny, but it made me laugh out loud. “At least you’re not like that,” she added.

“Oh yes I am,” I said smiling. “I’m a real country-bumpkin -- a backwater simpleton.” We both laughed then, and I was feeling a lot better about being around her. “Why did you look so shy when you got here?” I asked.

“I don’t do well with a lot of people,” she said. “I prefer one on one.”

We talked and laughed the rest of the day. I was sorry to see her go.

　

************

Khloe and I saw each other just about every weekend after that. I found I could talk about anything with her. She seemed to hang on my every word. I hung on hers too. Thank God she wasn’t wrapped up in the silly things that many of the girls from school were. We talked about feelings (but not too much), religion, philosophy, history, nature, even science! She was cool and smart . . . and pretty too.

I loved the way she sometimes ran her left hand through her thick hair when she was concentrating on something, unconcerned about messing it up. I could trust her and I could tell that she trusted me. Later, I took her to her high school prom and she came with me to my school dances. There came a time when our mutual attraction and affection for one another led to the first kiss. After that we made out a lot. We didn’t have real sex, but it got pretty hot and intense. She didn’t have access to the pill and she didn’t trust condoms.



By the middle of her senior year we were debating college or moving somewhere together. I’d always wanted to move into the wilderness, buy a cabin, live off the land. She was willing but wondered if it was really possible. “Besides,” she said, “we can postpone that life until after one or I or both of us get a degree in a subject we can fall back on in the future.” As usual her ideas were pragmatic, rational and well thought out. I agreed but I reminded her that Grandma had bypassed dad in her will and left everything to Paul and me. My inheritance would last us years. “Still,” she said, “I may as well go. You won’t be out of school until the next year.”

She got a scholarship to the University of Washington. I had my driver’s license and a car so we still saw each other a lot. At the end of my senior year in high school she told me she wanted to continue her studies until she got her BA at least. In that case, I decided to enroll for classes at Everett Community college -- not necessarily for a degree of any kind, but to bide my time until she was ready.

************

Khloe came to my graduation with aunt Marie and Uncle Milt. She looked so awesome, so beautiful. I felt doubly proud that afternoon. After the ceremony, Khloe and I went out together. Later that night we finally consummated our union. We went to a motel rather than home where the family was or to her dorm where I’d have to sneak in.

 Entering her was beautiful. It was a sensation beyond anything I’d experienced. Besides the intense arousal, the intimacy of being one with the girl I loved . . . it compared to nothing. Naturally, I was premature, but we had all night. I felt by morning that I was a pro. We were both happy.

****************

We talked or texted quite a lot and we met on the weekends to hang out -- that is after we indulged ourselves first. But one week she didn’t call or text or answer mine for three days. I began to worry. On the forth day she left a message on my cell. “Hi John. I’m fine. Don’t worry. Haven’t been feeling very well. I call and we’ll talk on Sunday, okay?”

Sunday! What the hell? Now I was even more worried. Was she mad at me? Something wasn’t right and I had a sick feeling in my stomach. So I drove to Seattle next morning to find out what was going on. I caught her between classes. When she saw me sitting out on one of the benches, a look appeared on her face that I did not recognize. I didn’t like it. My heart sank. It even entered my mind that she might have found someone else. But that was impossible. We had become too close.

“What are you doing here, John?”

“What kind of a greeting is that? What do you think I’m doing? I’ve been worried about you.”

“I told you I’m fine.”

“C’mon, Khloe. Something is up. What’s going on?”

She sighed. “John, can’t this wait until after my next class? I’ve only got about twenty minutes before I have to go.”

I was spooked and angered by her guarded attitude and her reaction to seeing me. “No! It can’t wait. I want to know what is going on!”

“I really didn’t want to talk about this here.”

“Big deal. Spill it, Khloe.”

She sighed again and looked down as if studying her hands. Then she lifted her head and looked me in the eyes. “I’m pregnant.”

We sat in silence for a moment as it sunk in. Why did she look so upset? “Well, Khloe, why do you look like that? It’s wonderful news! I mean, I didn’t expect to be a father so soon,” I smiled, “but, hey, I’m ready!” Then a thought came to me. “You’re not thinking about an abortion are you?”

“The baby is not yours.” She said it so fast and void of emotion, as if she’d exhaled after holding her breath.

“I . . . I don’t understand,” I stammered. I couldn’t have heard right. I waited for her to answer me. To take it back. Anything.

“What’s to understand” she answered. Her eyes were brimming. “I’m sorry. I’m truly truly sorry, but it isn’t yours.”

I felt as if I’d been punched hard in the gut. My chest tightened and I tried to breath. “You had sex with someone else? You fell in love with someone else?” I could feel my face flush. How could she betray me?

“John, it was an accident. I didn’t mean to, it just . . .”

I got up from the bench. “I don’t . . . how . . . how could you do it Khloe? I love you. I thought you loved me.”

“John, sit down. I do love you. Let me explain.”

“Forget it!” I yelled. I was angry. Everything was caving in on me. I saw black in my peripheral vision as though I were looking through someone else’s eyes. “You’ve ruined me Khloe. Go to hell.”

I headed for my car. She didn’t follow me. From the parking lot I could still see her. She was still sitting on the bench with her face buried in her hands.

I never heard Khloe’s excuses or explanation. What would be the point? She was pregnant with someone else’s baby. Nothing mattered now. Not school, not family. Nothing. Mom and Dad were in Hawaii and within two days I was gone. Where I was going, I was not sure, but I had to leave. I had to go far away. I had to run.

　

***************

I drove up through Canada and into Alaska, climbing further north. Although the scenery calmed me some, I was too deep in thought about Khloe to really drink it in. This trip was supposed to be with her. In Hangtree, I stopped at a local real-estate office and searched through property listings and found what I was looking for. A remote and rustic looking house in a sub alpine area. No heat, plumbing or electricity, but all the natural resources I’d need -- even an old well. There was also a river near the house and a sparkling lake about a mile away. There was plenty of timber too.



It took me three pickup loads, a lot of gas, and two days to stock the place for fall and winter. I bought tons of canned goods and other food, tools, including a chainsaw and an ax. Finally I purchased a snow mobile and several full gas cans.

It was only mid-summer, but the daily work necessary to prepare for winter there was grueling. No matter how much wood you thought you had stacked up for the cold months, I knew from books that it wouldn’t be enough. Cutting timber was dangerous, but splitting wood later, relaxed me completely. When twilight came I generally fell into my bunk and was asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

***********

Johnny’s mom, aunt Gladys, proved to be an impediment. Khloe asked for John’s address so she could explain everything, to apologize and all. Gladys had the nerve to tell her that it wasn’t a good idea for Khloe and John to be together. She didn’t want Khloe to know where John was. Finally, though, she relented and accepted Khloe’s suggestion to give her any mail Khloe wrote and send it on to John.

John probably wouldn’t understand how Khloe made the mistake and got pregnant. How could she adequately explain how drunk she’d been at the end of the party. He wouldn’t care that she’d allowed Clint, a handsome fellow student, take her to her dorm and how he’d managed to get into her room. She hadn’t initiated sex, but she hadn’t firmly said “no” either. She probably couldn’t convince John that she only vaguely remembered the night before or that her guilt and remorse had been heartbreaking. It was true that she wasn’t going to tell John, but when she missed her period, a horrible certainty chilled her; she was pregnant. She had no choice but to confess.

She just wanted him to understand that she never intended to be unfaithful and that what happened, along with his reaction, was just as devastating to her as it was to him. Of course she was guilty, but was life really that black and white and final? There were mitigating circumstances, weren’t there?

She finally gave birth to a beautiful boy. Clint denied he was the father. He demanded a paternity test even though Khloe had asked nothing from him. She‘d only told him about the pregnancy. Khloe was confused by the results. Clint was not the father! His protestations were justified after all. But it had been two months before that John and she had consummated their love. Nevertheless, she couldn’t wait to write him with the news. John had never answered even one of her letters but surely this would make a difference.

What Khloe didn’t know was that aunt Gladys never sent her letters. Gladys made a decision that was not hers to make. She intended to send a few of the letters after some time has passed. But then Gladys put it off so long that John would be angry with her for keeping them. Now she had dug herself into a hole.

When Khloe had called Gladys with the test results, Gladys nearly fell off her chair. She was now in an indefensible position. She quickly put all the letters in a large envelope. Then she wrote a letter to John explaining her reasoning and apologizing for holding this mail. Gladys called Khloe a week later and gave her John’s P.O. box. There was no physical address, only a P.O. number in Hangtree Alaska.

Khloe wasn’t sure how she felt about Gladys finally giving her the address, but she wrote him. After three weeks had gone by and he had not answered her mail. She made a decision to go to him. To look for him at any rate. Enough time had gone by now for him to have mellowed, surely. She took a leave of absence from her job at Boeing, packed little Mason into the truck with her and headed out.

****************

I had so much work around the old house that when I had any time left over, I only wanted to sit in the grass -- joined sometimes by a fox who had befriended me. I fed her sometimes, and she had learned to trust me. But this morning I decided to ride into Hangtree and pick up my mail. I only picked it up once a week or maybe every two weeks. I never got much except letters from Mom. I bought a few things I needed while I was there, checked my PO box and was happy to see a packet from Mom. My heart leapt when I saw there was also a letter from Khloe! I couldn’t wait to get home and open it.

I opened the letter from Khloe first and was astonished. I was happy, so happy. But I was confused, too. She mentioned letters that I had never answered. What was she talking about? I hadn’t received anything from her! Then I opened the package from Mom. Mom’s letter was folded around a stack of unopened envelopes from Khloe. I read it. My anger boiled. I wanted to kill something. I ripped it to shreds as if I was hurting Mom by doing so. I sat for an hour reading all the letters. By the time I was done I was on the verge of weeping. My chest was tight and I racked my brain trying to figure out how I could make it up to her and tell her what Mom had done.

Khloe had written her phone number down in a few of the letters and her address. I wrote a quick note explaining briefly what had happened. I had to get it in the mail before I wrote a longer letter to her. It was late in the afternoon, but I would drive the fifty miles back to town. I had to mail the note and try to call her right away. There was no cell service at my place, but there were still pay phones in Hangtree.

************



There was a sort of meadow where a long path led a half mile to where I kept my truck parked. As I started down the path, I saw a figure coming toward me -- not an animal. A person.. No one came here so I was alarmed and suspicious. Then as the figure got closer I saw it was a woman and her hair blew about in the wind. I knew that hair! My heart raced. Doubt and hope coursed through me. Was it . . . ? There was a little person walking behind her.

I walked faster, then I started to run. It was her! It was the girl I’d never stopped loving!



“Khloe!” I yelled.

She ran toward me and we embraced. Both of us crying and laughing. The little boy standing on the side began to cry too, frightened I suppose by my appearance. My beard and dirty clothes. Khloe reached out to the boy and picked him up. “Mason,” she said. “Don’t be scared. This is your daddy!” The boy looked at me intently and wiped his tears. I smiled at him. I only hoped I had the smile that Khloe had once told me she had fallen in love with.

Suddenly little Mason held his arms out to me! The joy I felt then was like nothing I had felt before. I took him into my arms, looked back at Khloe and said “come.” Tears streamed down her face and she smiled. I could see the relief in her eyes. And so we walked toward the house. We had so much to talk about. She was mine again. I knew it. And she brought me the most wonderful gift I had ever received. My son.

THE END